Nothing about this is important, and you should stop reading immediately and find a worthwhile and productive channel for your attention.
I guess you're a glutton for caffeinated stream-of-consciousness, though, because there you are, still reading, like I'm giving away $100 dollar bills or something. I'M NOT.
But did you know that coffee changes your life? kind of? And these are the ways in which coffee has changed my life.
1. I HAVE COFFEE OPINIONS, AND I KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS. KIND OF.
My Christmas Keurig (let's stop right there for a sec. I'm aware that Keurigs are controversial little robots. They make gross coffee, some bleat. They're awesome and fast, others yell, waving their pitchforks. They're lazy, retort the torch-flingers. They're heavenly, screech the poo-shooters. Drip times and extraction and oils and all that. I like my Keurig. I also know nothing about coffee. Maybe it's crap. I don't know. Leave us alone.)
My Christmas Keurig came with a bunch of K-cups, and I have been steadily working my way through them. And I'm so dang giggly that I never understood the wide variety of coffee characteristics. Acidic. Smooth. Too smooth. Bland. OUCH. Ew. Awesome. Weird. Why does this one taste like fruit; that's gross. Why does this one taste like nothing; that's stupid. THIS ONE TASTES LIKE THE SMELL OF AN ANGEL'S NECK-FOLDS AND I MUST HAVE IT. Why does this one taste like hot chocolate? Oh... it's hot chocolate.
I threw away the decaf. Also, I'm so unaccustomed to using coffee-talkings that I always type "decalf" first. Which is a horrid slip on my part, because...
2. MY DAIRY-PURCHASING HABITS HAVE RUN AMOK
... Milk is required for all coffee interactions, hot and iced. I love all coffee-drinkers equally - some of my best friends drink black coffee, OKAY? - but black coffee is acidic and not creamy, and I don't know how a person chokes down black coffee, like some kind of grown-up, and I don't want to know, and I don't need that kind of sadness in the mouth part of my head. Some of us never stop nursing, it seems, and I need milk joy in my mug. There should be a lot of it. Whole is preferred. 2% will only slightly dissatisfy. Half-and-half is too much. Soymilk is eeugh. Almond milk is pretty nice. Coconut milk is pointless. Hemp milk is... not food. All that to say: I use a lot of milk.
2. MORNING ROUTINE
... as in I ACTUALLY HAVE ONE NOW. With a GOAL in it. Which is a NEW thing. Truly, before I started drinking coffee in the morning, I didn't even aim to make it out the door. And even though my brand new morning goal is only "drink the coffee" and not "make it out the door," I shall brag where the brag takes root.
Former morning routine: Hit snooze. Hit snooze. Hit snooze. Hit snooze. Hit snooze. Ooze out of bed teeth clothes door wait glasses wait pee suddenly I'm on the interstate how did we get here
Current morning routine: Hit snooze. Remember that I drink coffee. Practically skip to the kitchen (no, I'm not kidding), pour about 1/3 cup milk into my favorite mug (Life Change 2a: I have a favorite coffee mug and it's so pretty), microwave for thirty seconds while eating leftovers out of the fridge with my fingers, remove mug from microwave, place under Keurig spout, hit the "power" button instead of the "brew" button, sigh deeply because I'm not awake enough to curse, perform the whole turn-on-lift-handle-close-back rigamarole again, hit the "brew" button, visit with the potty, return to hot milk-water because last night's shower made me so sleepy that I forgot to do the coffee part.
I might be getting ahead of myself goalwise; perhaps the goal should be dialed back to "master the coffee part."
3. I HAVE DISCOVERED WHAT SUGAR IS
Hallelujah, friends: there's a reason this season is called Epiphany. And that reason is that I finally understand why they call it coffee cake. I finally understand why doughnuts + coffee is a thing. I am rendered speechless at the glorious, terrible beauty of a mini powdered-sugar doughnut dipped in cappuccino. I can't look it in its all-seeing Eye. It will level me. It is my maker.
You may or may not have noticed, but sugar is not kale. And you may or may not have noticed, because it's not like I talk about the stupid minutiae of my life all the blah blah blah blah blah, but I don't have much of a sweet tooth. Or, more accurately, I DIDN'T have much of a sweet tooth. Turns out, my sweet tooth is a huge coffee fiend, too. My kale tooth is apparently a lying sack of compost (not manure, because that's oppressive), because guys.... sugar is really good. Sigh.
Fortunately (and this is gospel here, folks): Sugar only belongs in iced coffee. And since the icy-coldness highlights the milk's sweetness, it requires less sugar (barely a cup and a half wait what?). Also, I totally meant agave. Which is nothing but sugar, ya big hippies. Pass the tequila. Or the mezcal. Name the connection there and I'll totally give you $100. (Speaking of: liquor in coffee is disgusting. Not that I'd know.. that one time.. at 9:45 am....)
4. A MUG OF COFFEE IS A MUG OF ACTUAL HAPPINESS.
I was sitting here derping on them interwebs and filling out a form for something boring and listening to Roseanne on Netflix, and suddenly, I thought: I want a cup of COFFEE WAIT A SECOND, I CAN MAKE A CUP OF COFFEEEEEEEEE! and then I thought: coffee makes me so happy. And then I thought: oh god, do you hear you? I'm one of them now. This is what it means when they say it. Coffee makes me unreservedly happy. I don't understand why it's true, but it's true. Why is it true?
That is all.
(coffee is all.)
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