why women are responsible for our safety, and it doesn't mean what you think it means.

I'm not trying to blame you, or anything, but maybe when you made him mad - maybe that wasn't the best thing to do? I don't know. (a former friend, when I told her I'd yelled at him previously for groping me.)

Huh, that sucks. But I don't know what you want me to say. And you know what? I'd rather be in your shoes than mine. My job is killing me lately. (a former teacher and friend.)

You're a grown-ass woman; what do you want? You chose this industry. You walked in there with lions. Now you know what comes with the territory. Suck it up. (a classmate.)

You a fucking badass? yeah? show me how fucking badass you are now. (him.)

________

I want to say a few things.

As before, I am discussing rape in terms of male-on-female rape, while acknowledging that men are victimized as well, and that female perpetrators also commit rape against men and women.

I am not in the business of relegating women (particularly survivors of rape) to perpetual victim status. I say that fiercely and directly to every single person (most of whom happen to be men) who accuse me of it. I love and appreciate men. I don't hate men. It's silly that I'd even need to say that. But there you go.

I want to be able to raise a fist and roar in solidarity with those who assert a woman should be able to dance drunk on a table stark-naked and expect that she won't be raped, groped, or even made uncomfortable by the men surrounding her! yeah yeah yeah! 

But I can't. Because while it's entirely true, it's also true that any person walking around among other people is already vulnerable to the evil in the people around him/her; if any person has compromised his/her ability to control his/her environment, s/he has become even more vulnerable to the evil in the people around him/her.

Yes, women should be careful (whatever that means, as though it were a one-size-fits-all Solution). Because we are human beings, and because human beings - men and women - should be careful around each other. Because there will always be human beings who are invested in taking criminal advantage of other human beings.

Women are responsible for their own safety to the same extent that men are responsible for their own safety. Because safety, and responsibility for safety, is not a gendered concept. Let me please yell that, all black-in-the-eyes because I am pulll-ENTY pissed off about how this vague concept of "safety" is twisted to be used against rape victims in particular:


SAFETY. IS. NOT. A. GENDERED. CONCEPT. 


Every human being should refrain from making choices that diminish his/her capacity to control his/her environment. Wherever you are, there are usually other human beings present who might steal a wallet, drug a drink, snatch your jewelry, steal your car, commit a sex offense, punch you in the mouth if you bump into them, accidentally run you over in the parking lot, steal your smartphone, damage or destroy your property. Because human beings - men and women - are shady as hell. And they will trample you, to their own ends.

________

I wish we didn't live in a world where personal power, so destroyed by rape, is so inversely-inflated by people who assume that a rape victim should have been able to find ways to prevent it from happening, and is therefore to blame for it.

Surely rape culture can't be that pervasive, right?

Surely women have more power against rape than that, right?

There should be no set of expectations that women protect ourselves more than our male counterparts. And there is certainly no special grace afforded women who are raped in spite of whatever "precautions" they may have taken. All of us - men and women - want to avoid victimization. We all work at it. All of us. We do what we can. But none of us - men or women - have a moral responsibility to avoid becoming victims of other people's evil. To be targeted by a perpetrator, in any capacity, is not a victim's moral failure. Ever.

It's true that if a woman is targeted by a rapist, it is not ever her fault. It is a rapist's fault. Period.

It is also true that there are behavioral and practical precautions that women can take which might possibly lessen the potential that they'll be raped.

It is also true that there are zero precautions available to a woman to prevent her from being targeted to begin with. Clothing words energy weaponry brightly-lit spaces traveling in groups blah blah blah - none of this matters to a determined rapist.

It is also true that, of all the specific "rape preventatives" and weapons available to women, not a single one of them will dissuade a determined rapist. Not a single one.

Why didn't you fight. Because he might have killed me.
Why did you fight. Because he might have killed me.
Why didn't you carry mace. Because he might have seen it and killed me.
Why didn't you carry a gun. Because he might've gotten it from me and killed me.
Why didn't you have a rape whistle or something? Because he might've killed me before I had a chance to use it. 

Or. 

Why didn't you fight. I did.
Why did you fight. I didn't.
Why didn't you stay in a well-lit area. I was raped in an office.
Why did you mace him? Don't make him angry.
She shouldn't have had a gun. She panicked. Of course he's gonna wrestle it away from her.
She used that rape whistle, but nobody heard.
Why did you wear a burqua, in the middle of a street?
Why did you wear a sari, on a crowded bus?
Why did you let them tie you naked to a tree?
Why were you wearing an acolyte robe in the vestry?
Why were you wearing yoga pants and a T-shirt, the only woman in a kitchen full of men?
Why were you wearing a bathing suit, in an uncle's bedroom?
Why were you wearing a sparkly mini-dress, in a club bathroom?
Why were you sleeping naked in your own bed?
Why were you wearing a school uniform, in a principal's office?
Why were you wearing an Easter dress, in a Sunday school classroom?
Why were you wearing a hospital gown, in a nursing home?
Why were you wearing a business suit, in an executive's office?
Why were you wearing a onesie, in a crib?

Why did you make eye contact?
Why didn't you look him in the eye?
Why did you say hello? why did you remain silent?
Why did you respond to advances? why didn't you respond? why didn't you demand he stop?
Why did you get angry when he touched? why did you ignore it? why did you play along to keep him calm, praying the elevator door would please hurry up and open?
Why did you walk away? stay put? look away? bite your lip? tear up? turn purple? remain stoic? refuse to cry? weep like a baby? refuse to react? react loudly? scream? plead? didn't plead? 

Why did you press charges? Hardly ever goes to trial. Hardly ever convicted. Waste of time and money. Just make him angrier. Just make yourself forget about it.
Why didn't you press charges? Oh my god, what's wrong with you? How many other women? little girls? Are you that selfish? Your fault. Letting other women carry the public/legal burden for you. 

Nobody's blaming women who are raped. But think about it: When beer commercials tell the audience to "drink responsibly," to plan ahead and designate a driver to avoid a DUI, that is an acceptable message, but expecting women to plan ahead for themselves to avoid a potential assault isn't?  [I cannot think of a clearer example of victim-blaming than to conflate a victim's victimization with a potential criminal action.]

Even though I know it's rambly and I'm trying hard to keep the rage and pain of it under control because I swear my brain is rotting in all this.... Can you see? It's not that there isn't a lot to unpack when talking about all the parts of rape, including the parts that are uncomfortable with regard to personal responsibility. It's not that nobody's allowed to assert that women, like men, should take all the precautions we can to protect ourselves, and that women, like men, should make choices that enhance our ability to control our environment. These things should be said. Absolutely.

It's just that any discussion of womens' responsibility in a discussion of rape and rape culture is already skewed against women. Because we are blamed for our rapes before they even occur, in the instant they occur, and for the rest of our lives afterward. Because when it comes down to it, there is not a damn thing any woman can do to prevent the hammer from falling on her face. Because it's a women's issue - how many times have I heard that shit in the past three years. Your problem. Her problem. I don't know what you want me to say about this. 

How can we ever really talk about these things in such a climate?

How can we unpack every single bag about men's and women's responsibilities? and safety? and the mixed signals human beings can send? and the ways in which we know other humans can interpret them, alongside the ways in which we know they can fully control themselves against a little flirtation? How can we talk about what messages the woman in Spain was sending when she performed oral sex on 24 men for a cheap bottle of alcohol? How can we discuss how empowered or disadvantaged she may have felt? How can we discuss the roles of every single man and woman in that bar that night? How can we discuss the signals we send (and don't send) in sending/receiving nude images from other people or engage in other overtly-sexual behaviors? How can we discuss our motivations behind these actions?

It feels completely impossible to discuss how these things fit into rape culture when the entire thing is steeped in a climate of blame.

I want to be able to say this: that, in the same way all men are responsible for rape culture but not all men are to blame for rape culture, all women are responsible for our safety but not to blame when someone chooses to violate our safety.

Sadly, I don't think we all agree on this point.

But it is true. And I should be able to say it. And I hope that any man worth a damn would please just take a minute and reflect on it. Please? Please do it. Think about what the former statement means for you, as a man; now please, think about what the latter statement means for me, as a woman, in light of what the former statement means for you.

The most frustrating thing (currently) is the reality of that previous little paragraph, though: if there is any antidote for patriarchy and rape culture, it will come in pointing out all the very real ways in which patriarchy and rape culture hurt men. Not women. Not me.

Like a toddler roaring out to battle with a paper-towel tube; like a hobbit waddling out to the gates of Mount Doom. Can't even.