These are the thoughts that happen when insomnia turns the tables: normally, you can't catch sleep when it matters, but tonight, you can't avoid sleep even though you have to drive your friends to the airport in 2.5 hours.
1. They're so cute, my friends. Early 20s, and first real vacation as a couple. So excited; she's been counting the days for weeks. I made them little jars of muesli with strawberries, pineapple, peaches, mango, blueberry yogurt, honey; it's chilling in the fridge, next to jars of iced tea. I'm excited for them, and worried for them, that they stay safe. When did I get so much older than early-20s people? that I know what it's like to be so excited, but that I also know what it's like to worry for them because they're so young and they'll be so far from home, in big cities connected by crowded subway cars?
2.At least I'm awake now.
3. Speaking of breakfast... If you've never made muesli, you SHOULD. Especially if you avoid summer breakfasts of oatmeal because of the heat. It's the easiest healthy do-ahead breakfast in the world. You soak the oats (old-fashioned or quick) in liquid overnight in the fridge, and the result is a whole different version of oats - soft, not chewy-raw, but lighter and less sticky than cooked oats. I soak my oats in a mixture of water and honey, with a pinch of salt, then serve with fresh fruit and a dollop of plain or vanilla yogurt. You can also soak them in orange juice (which is traditional and delicious). You can ALSO soak them in milk, but in my inflated opinion, the oats attain a milky richness without any added dairy, and soaking them in milk is, for me, overkill.
4. Speaking of food... What is this idea that chefs are always playing around in their kitchens and always eating awesome foods and always, like, roasting asparagus and healthy and planned-ahead and well-stocked - seriously? I've seen haven't-eaten-real-food-in-I-don't-know-how-long chefs pre-emptively inhale half a baguette to make the bourbon-buzz hit slower and last longer, then suck down nothing but coffee and weed for the entire next day; at least one of my teachers has an affinity for cold Chef Boyardee ravioli, straight out of the can, another for rum & diet with greasy fast-food burgers,and I, as I've mentioned before, would eat Velveeta shells and cheese every single day of my life if I could live through it without my tongue swelling up like a warm, hairy salt lick. I think I can safely say that we all love to play food games as much as the next nerd, but most of the chefs I know who are active in the industry are dead elephant tired at the end of the day, and it's not as much about "creatively experiencing physical nourishment on a mental/emotional level" as it is about "making the hungry-owies go away ASAP so I can get off my feet after an 18-hour day of providing that experience for you, so thank you for not getting all judgy-judgy."
5. Speaking of sleep... Have I mentioned that I'm not getting any tonight? I took an accidental nap this afternoon, when I sat down after swearing loudly at the studs in my kitchen wall, which made hanging the LAST OF MY KITCHEN SHELVES (holla) more difficult than it should've been, and I was only gonna sit for a minute before heading out the Lowe's again for S-hooks, but then, suddenly, it was two hours later and raining. Know what I ate for supper? A PBJ, two bites of cold spaghetti, and some peach yogurt. All five food groups = HEALTHY! (grin.)
6. Speaking of health... There are so many things that I want to say, but they're things to be said in context: of sitting in a space I know, with people who know me, who will continue to know me. Things I've never said to anyone that I just need another person to know, in context. Things that confuse me, that have hurt me, things I've done that I'm not proud of, discoveries that I don't regret. Do you ever have those things? I have about two years' worth, and none of the security of context here. I'm eyeing a hard close on my time with Florida; "hard" not as in "difficult" or "painful," but as in "final." But I'm not one to move from, and I have nothing to move toward. So I think I'm just trying to figure out what the next steps are, now that I have feet again.
7. Speaking of feet, and other things that we're all sick of reading about around here... I'm mulling the difference between "rape culture" and "patriarchy," and although they're essentially spawned from the same toilet bowl/gene pool, there's a difference, and I haven't really gotten to the bottom of it yet. Patriarchy is rape culture's cologned uncle, dressed for Sunday-night service. Rape culture is sullen in its reckless entitlement; patriarchy is serene in its roots. Rape culture inflames me; patriarchy chills me.
8. Speaking of toilets.... I can't tell you how many times I've reiterated to my getting-ready-to-travel friends (who I have to pick up in about thirty minutes) to avoid the crowded subway cars. Can you guess how many times I've said it? They've begun rolling their eyes at me a little, and I've tried to change it up a little - go for the empty cars, there's more room to move away if you need to - but it all sounds the same, and really, I hope they have ridiculous amounts of fun. I hope they navigate the cities well, and find their hotels, and keep ahold of their wallets, and avoid the crowded subway cars. And I plan to text them at least once while they're gone to remind them, tongue-in-cheek, empty cars: I'll keep saying it, because it really means be careful and I love you and have so much fun and be so careful, and even more than that, it's really some kind of making-myself-feel-better, as though speaking all these precautions over them will have the same effect as saying to anyone with ill intent for anyone these two: do not even, because they are mine.
9. I could really lie down and be asleep in about five minutes.
10. Deja vu.
10a. Stupid wall studs.
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